


old, new

by deathlytireddan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, depression and anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-01 13:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16285697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathlytireddan/pseuds/deathlytireddan
Summary: Phil runs into an old uni crush in the frozen food aisle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little thing I wrote a few months ago, never posted, and stumbled across today. 
> 
> I’m still proud of it so I thought I’d share it :)

Phil sees him in a frozen food aisle. Black hoodie draped over his torso and covering his hands, eyes blank and lip pulled back into his mouth as he looks into space. 

It’s a moment of strange deja vu, of vaguely recognizing those dark circles and warm eyes, the way he stands uncomfortably and comfortably at the same time, of the beaten up jeans with threads loose in the knees that Phil knows he’s seen before. Somewhere. Maybe.

And then it clicks, and it’s a bit underwhelming.

Dan Howell, a passing crush Phil had had in uni a few years before. He’d been younger and louder and a lot how Phil wanted to be. He’d left as quickly as he’d arrived. 

And now he’s staring blankly at a display of ice creams, like he’ll find the answers to life’s greatest questions hidden in the calorie content on the side. 

Phil desperately wants to talk to him, to ask why exactly he’s staring into space. But Phil also really doesn’t want to. It’s late at night, just before closing, and he doesn’t want to be the creep that approaches an old crush from fricking uni. He doesn’t want to ruin this weird, built of version of Dan in his head, like he’ll betray his younger self if he does. Which is stupid.

So Phil decides not to talk to him, to let the _what if_ go and join its friends.

Except Dan is in front of the ice cream he wants. 

Fuck.

He clears his throat and shifts around, trying to catch Dan’s attention. “D—“ No, no, no, bad Phil. “Excuse me, can I get that?”

Dan jumps and makes a little noise, turning to Phil quickly and stepping away all at the same time. He’s still so much, even well passed the eighteen Phil remembers him as. 

Dan fumbles with his hair. “Sorry, sorry,” he mumbles. 

“It’s okay,” Phil says softly. Dan looks tired, even more now that they’re facing each other; his hair is greasy and his eyes purple and blue and black. Plus he was standing in front of the ice cream for who knows how long.

Something is definitely wrong.

Dan stuffs his hands into his pockets, hunching over. “Have we met?” He asks, looking at Phil curiously.

Shit. Of all the outcomes he thought of, Dan knowing Phil was not one of them. How does he answer that?

“Did you go to York?” 

Dan’s eyes widen. “Oh! Yeah... uh—“

“Phil.”

“Phil! Phil. Hello.” 

Phil can’t help grinning. “Hi.” He’s damn endearing, Past Phil had good taste, he has to admit.

“Fuck, I mean—“ Dan sighs. “I’m meant to introduce myself now, aren’t I. I’m Dan.” 

“Hi,” Phil says again.

Dan’s phone chimes and he swears again, something else that hasn’t changed a bit. “Sorry, I have to go. My fish is hungry.”

Phil raises his eyebrows. “Your fish can text?”

“Er, no, sorry, that sounded really weird, didn’t it?” Dan shakes his head. “It’s a reminder, so I don’t starve her. Or something.”

“Okay?” At least he’s responsible? 

They lapse into awkward silence, and then Dan is turning away, and Phil starts to open his mouth, but Dan is already back and pushing his unlocked phone into Phil’s hands. “Give me your number?”

Phil laughs, giddy, and quickly puts in his number. He hesitates over what to write as his name, finally settling on just _Phil_. 

“Thanks,” Dan says with a grin. He stands in front of Phil for a second, seemingly debating with himself, before he’s wrapping his arms around Phil, muttering something that sounds like _thank you so much_ into Phil’s shoulder, and practically jogging away before Phil can respond or do anything.

Well. This isn’t at all how Phil thought his night would go. But he can still feel Dan’s fingertips on his coat, feel warm breath and a solid body against his. 

Phil could squeal. If he was that kind of person. _You are welcome, Younger Phil._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the lovely comments I got I decided to continue this! Thank you all so much, it means a lot <3
> 
> There’ll be at least one more chapter after this one, and possibly more after that. Can’t guarantee I’ll update super frequently but I won’t end on any terrible cliffhangers or anything like that :)

_hi phil. this is dan from tesco_

The simple two line text, sent late last night at 3 AM, was enough to send Phil into full on grab your favorite possessions and get into the bunker mode. He regrets ever growing up. Why couldn’t his Mum just put him in a box to stop him growing like she always threatened to?

Phil takes a breath and puts on a shirt, because he feels weird texting anyone half—naked from his bed, but especially weird if it’s Dan on the other end.

_Hey Dan!_

No.

_Hi Dan :)_

No, no, no. Well...

 _Hi Dan :)_

He presses send and immediately regrets it, adding on a quick _How’s your fish?_

Good enough.

Dan takes a while to respond. Phil eats breakfast and cleans the kitchen because he’s a good respectable adult and tries not to overthink just why this is affecting him so much. 

_sorry just woke up_

_bernadette says hello_

Attached is a picture of a a black moor goldfish. Phil stares at it blankly for a moment, the sheer smugness emanating from the fish leaving him speechless.

_Wow_

Dan replies immediately, _don’t shame my child phil_

Phil giggles into his sleeve. _Sorry Bernadette_

Dan doesn’t answer for a minute and Phil is left watching the three bubbles appear and disappear. _i have to get ready for work_

_ttyl?_

Phil is left disappointed and relieved at the same time. 

_Yeah!_ He sends, sinking back into the sofa cushions and shaking out his fingers. 

__Dan doesn’t answer again, and Phil is left with nothing to do. He wonders where Dan works on a weekend, if he ever graduated, what he’s doing with his life. He sets the picture of Bernadette as Dan’s picture and locks his phone, pushing it into the back of the sofa for good measure._ _

__Time to be a responsible adult and...clean. Or play video games. Probably that._ _

__—_ _

__Dan shoves a pillow into his face and tries not to scream. Why did he say that? Is he an idiot? Yeah, he has to work, but not until tonight. He has an entire day to do anything._ _

__Like get coffee with cute men._ _

__Fuckity fuck._ _

__Dan wants to disappear into his sofa. Bernadette is drifting lazily across her aquarium next to the sofa, eyes fixed on him. He sighs. Being a fish must be nice. When his therapist suggested he get a fish to help him with routine she probably hadn’t anticipated he’d want to _become_ a fish. He hasn’t mentioned that one to her yet. _ _

__There. He can clean the tank, and maybe look online for a new plant for her or something, and stretch that into several hours of internet skulking until he needs to work._ _

__Perfect._ _

__He doesn’t think about Phil any more, absolutely not._ _

__(It’s hard not do. The way Phil appeared was like what his grandmother would describe as a miracle. Dan needed something, anything, desperately that night. To look forward to, to tell him he has a future worth living. He hadn’t like that in a long time and it was terrifying, and then Phil was there and it wasn’t okay but it was better.)_ _

__—_ _

__Phil doesn’t work up the courage to text Dan again for a couple of days. He’s yelling at himself to do it, what’s the worst that can happen, you’ll regret it if you don’t, but the thought of being let down is stronger than the thought of it going right._ _

__It’s a very frustrating couple of days, to say the least._ _

__But on Monday he finally makes himself do it after a phone call from his Mum. He doesn’t even mention Dan but after hearing her express her worry over him, say that he’s apparently not posting enough photos with his friends on Instagram, and then threaten to call them herself, he decides to just text Dan before he combusts from overthinking._ _

_Hi Dan!_ He types, and then before he can think more, adds, _Do you want to get coffee or something this week?_ He taps _Send_. 

__And Dan calls him._ _

__That was not part of the plan._ _

__He answers and Dan starts talking fast and kind of mumbling, “Sorry I know this is weird but I smashed my phone and the keyboard isn’t working right and I didn’t want to ignore you. Uh, and hi, too,” Dan laughs at himself._ _

__“Hi,” Phil laughs too. It’s nice hearing the tone behind Dan’s words. He sounds awkward and nice and human like a text never could._ _

__“Oh!” Dan says, like he’s forgotten something, “I’d like to get coffee with you, Phil.”_ _

__“Great.” Phil smiles around the words. “Uh, is Starbucks okay? Or—where do you live?”_ _

__They figure out a good halfway point between them with lots of giggles and smiling words, and Dan finds a Starbucks near there. They set a time and date for tomorrow at 12. It’s sooner than Phil thought it would be but he’s glad he won’t have to worry about it for too long, maybe not build it up so much in his head._ _

__Then there’s nothing much to say._ _

__“I’ll see you tomorrow, then? It’s a date?” Dan confirms one last time._ _

__Phil’s heart jumps. “Deffo.”_ _

__Dan snorts. “Okay. Bye, Phil.”_ _

__“Goodbye, Dan.” Phil hangs up and smiles._ _

__He feels good about this in a way he hasn’t for a while. It was awkward but it was also funny and he...likes Dan, a lot. It’s different from uni. This is warmer and surer, he knows Dan likes him and wants to see him. He feels grown up in the best way, his face hurts from smiling and laughing at Dan’s antics._ _

__He has a date with him!_ _

__—_ _

__Dan cries that night. He’s happy, content, in a way he hasn’t felt for a hell of a long time. He’s excited for the future._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! I haven’t written a wip in a while and I forgot how exciting (and nerve wracking) it is!
> 
>  
> 
> [reblog this chapter on tumblr](https://mylionbabe.tumblr.com/post/179327286530/old-new-chapter-2)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out writing a dnp who don’t know each other and figuring out how that would affect them is difficult, which is why this is so late. Sorry! A Dan without a Phil and a Phil without a Dan is weird, guys

Phil stares down at his bed. He’s laid out three possible outfits. Casual but nice, nice but boring, and nice but maybe _too_ nice.

Phil mentally rolls his eyes at himself. On the very small amount of dates he’s been on that weren’t arranged by his mum and her mum friends he’s never cared this much. He’s never even paid that much attention to the other person’s clothes. 

What will Dan be wearing? He’d found Dan’s Instagram and skulked through his photos (of which there were only a few of him—it’s mostly dogs and food, which, same). There was one in particular of him outside in front of a pretty graffiti rainbow licking an ice cream cone wearing a sheer shirt that had sort of caught Phil’s eye. 

He’d also learned Dan works behind the scenes and occasionally on the scenes at the BBC. And now Phil’s just realized he’s going to have to live the rest of his life knowing what Dan looks like on the _red carpet._

Shit.

Phil closes his mouth, realizes he’s been staring into space for almost a minute, shakes his head, and sets about choosing an outfit.

—

It takes a while. He never should’ve looked at all the pretty clothes Dan wears.

—

He’s late, he’s late, he’s late, why the fuck did he ever decide to stop curling his hair, it takes even longer to style now than before, fuck fuck fuck—

Dan skids to a stop outside Starbucks and wipes his forehead. He’s lucky it’s too cold for him to sweat. He’s going to sue Uber just as soon as his heart slows down and he finds Phil. 

Dan takes a deep breath. Okay. He’s made it, he’s only—five minutes late, which is probably some kind of record. Traffic looked bad so maybe he’s actually beaten Phil. 

Yeah. It’s fine, good, dandy. 

—

Phil’s embarrassingly early when he pushes open the door. He doesn’t expect Dan to get here for another fifteen minutes at least but better late than early. 

He orders a coffee (it’s probably too much sugar and he’ll just fumble his words around even more, but the routine of it makes him feel better) and manages to slide onto a sofa in the back corner semi—gracefully. 

He takes out his phone to kill time, plays a few rounds of his newest app of the week before giving in and opening up his and Dan’s text conversation.

They haven’t said much else. Dan sent a short video of Bernadette eating dinner and then a picture of his own dinner. Phil had replied back with a picture of his stomach and almost sent a picture of his toilet before changing his mind. 

Already knowing people is really so much easier than getting to know them. 

He answers a text his mum sent to the family group chat while he was on the tube and scrolls through twitter for a while. 

The clock ticks.

Phil’s stomach squirms.

—

“Hey, God, I’m sorry I’m late my Uber driver is an asshole and didn’t show up so I had to r—walk here. Fuck, I’m surprised you’re still here.” Dan flops down next to him with a huff. He’s panting a little.

Phil doesn’t know what to say. Honestly, he’d been about to leave, and he’s so surprised and happy and suddenly anxious all he can think to say is, “My name isn’t God.” 

Dan blinks. Then he grins, wide, dimply, and probably relieved too. “Sorry, I guess this is the wrong sofa.”

He doesn’t move though, instead takes off his coat and runs a hand through his hair. It’s fluffy and lighter colored now that it’s clean, the sides closer shaved than they were a few days ago. His fuzzy black jumper looks squishy and horribly soft. He’s open and warm and solid next to Phil. Phil wants to climb in his lap, kinda. 

“Hi!” Phil says, chugs the dregs of his cold coffee, swallows, and does it again before his face goes pink. He clears his throat and tries not to make a face at the taste. 

“Cold?” 

“Yeah.”

“Oh.” Dan winces, looking guilty. “Sorry about that. I haven’t ordered yet—do you want me to get you something?”

“Oh—um, hot chocolate? Three coffees in 4 hours is probably pushing it.”

Dan nods. “I think you have the right idea. I’ll be right back.” 

Phil watches him leave, eyes never straining below sensible areas, not at all. Once he’s queued Phil leans back and heaves out a breath. He’d really thought Dan ditched him, or, at least, that mean corner of his brain had been trying to convince the other corners. 

Dan gives him a thumbs up and a toothy grin after he’s ordered. Phil smiles back. Everything seems okay. He can relax.

A couple minutes later they’re sat next to each other, Dan’s hands wrapped around his cup toddler—like and Phil trying not to lean too close or too far away. 

“What’d you get?” Phil asks, wiping a whipped cream mustache off his lip. 

“Toffee and almond hot chocolate,” Dan says. He takes a sip and his eyes roll back in his head. (Phil remembers that from uni.) “I try not to drink a lotta caffeine. Emphasis on try,” Dan adds.

“I should do that.”

“Nah, it’s overrated.” He shifts his whole body toward Phil. “So...what do you do?”

Ah. The dreaded question. “Well. Uh. For a while after university I edited...porn.” Dan looks gleeful. “It was a good offer!” Phil defends himself. 

“Of course, of course,” Dan waves a hand. “How did the ‘ol family take that? I can’t imagine.”

Phil giggles into his hand. “My mum really liked that. My dad was less proud than relieved I’d got a job at all after two degrees.” Dan looks sympathetic at that. “My brother was too busy being a cool DJ and my boyfriend was—“ Phil kicks himself. Idiot. Not bringing up an ex is probably the top rule on the list of first date rules, especially when the ex was—is—a moron.

Dan bites his lip. “Happy?” 

“Yeah,” Phil drinks quickly. “What about you?”

“Uh,” Dan shrugs, “you know. I work at the BBC.” He looks smug. “Though you probably know that already.” Phil frowns. Dan’s smugness turns into a full on smirk. “You liked one of my pictures. On Instagram. Accidentally?”

Phil wants to crawl into the sofa or submerge himself in his hot chocolate. But at the same time he’s wondering how they’ve already settled into teasing each other. It’s nice. Really, really different from what he’s used to, but nice.

“It’s okay, after I saw you I returned the favor. It was well helpful, actually, I couldn’t find you.” Dan pats his arm.

Dan was trying to find him. He feels a little soothed. 

“I mean, it’s a compliment, really,” Dan continues, because he’s a very mean person, Phil is quickly learning. 

“I hate you.”

“Mmm.” Dan straightens up suddenly. “What happened after the porn job?”

“Dan! Shhh!”

—

He’s so adorable. Phil is adorable. It’s like the cuteness agression Dan gets from looking at cute animal videos or seeing a baby on the street. He wants to pinch Phil’s cheeks and cook him a pastry, or something, since Phil’s been talking about the pastries they just ate for a good five minutes now. 

Dan’s just been sitting there with his head leaning back against the sofa, watching him, nodding along. 

“—you know?” Phil finishes. 

“Of course,” Dan grins.

Uni and after uni turned into their hobbies (video games, basically) then their families, then Christmas (because Christmas is always on the mind in late November) and that turned into what food they eat for Christmas, and then they both realized they hadn’t eaten lunch.

And now they’ve accidentally eaten most of the food on the menu. The baristas were impressed when they kept taking turns getting up to buy more food, and one even gave Phil their number. 

Which he’s using to wipe crumbs off his face, so.

Take that. Dan and Dan only, thanks.

Fuck.

Dan’s phone vibrates against his ass with a text. His eyes widen at the time. It’s been an hour and a half already, somehow.

“Is that important?” Phil asks.

“No, it’s fine, just work.” He mutes and pockets it. 

“You mean the BBC. I can’t believe you’re a radio presenter for the BBC.”

Dan turns pink. “Only sometimes. Filling in, you know, sometimes.” 

Phil tilts his head. “Could I listen sometime or would that be weird?”

“Not weird! I’ll text—or call—you next time.”

He makes a face. “The smashed keyboard?”

“The smashed keyboard.” Dan shrugs. “We had a good run. I’ve needed an excuse to upgrade for a while anyway.”

“Don’t tell your phone that!”

“I’ll be sure to cover its ears when the time comes, Phil, just for you.”

“Good.”

They manage to keep their faces straight for a minute before Dan snorts. Phil laughs with his whole body, head and shoulders back against the sofa and his hand over his mouth. 

Dan wants to kiss that mouth.

He stands up abruptly, shocking himself and Phil. “Restroom,” he says quickly, apologeticly, and rushes away.

Inside it’s blessedly empty. He washes the stickiness from all their food off his hands, frowning at his reflection. Why can’t he just enjoy this without freaking himself out?

He jumps when the door opens, but it’s not Phil. He wants Phil to come find him so Dan can say sorry for leaving so weirdly and promise he’s not always a mess. Two out of two times seeing Phil he’s been weird. Or in a state of weirdness. 

He groans at himself. Chill out. Breathe. One, two, three. He does use the toilet, then, and fiddles with his fringe in the mirror for a second.

Okay. This is a date, after all, having thoughts of kissing and basic skin to skin contact are perfectly normal. Acceptable. _Expected._

—

Phil thinks he must look awkward sitting here alone when there’s obviously been someone else. 

No, that’s silly, people use the toilet all the time when they’re together and anyway, no one gives a shit what he’s doing or how he looks. 

Then Dan comes back, looking tense. He plops down next to Phil, closer than before, and looks him right in the eye. 

Phil holds his breath. 

“Uh. This is the first daye I’ve been on in...three years?” Dan pauses. Phil wonders if he should say something, ask where the hell this is going, if he’s about to be dumped (is he even dumpable yet? How many dates is that before someone is something to be dumped) but Dan starts talking again. 

“I’m a horribly awkward person, Phil. More than normal person levels of awkward, okay?” Dan looks pained. “The point is I feel normal person levels when I’m with you. And I sort of freaked out when I realized.” 

“Okay...” Phil says slowly. He understands. “Me too.” 

Dan’s shoulders sag. “Can I hold your hand?” 

Phil blushes. “Please.” 

So Dan takes his cold hand with his warm one and laces their fingers together. It feels even warmer when he squeezes and Phil squeezes back. The fuzzy, squishy jumper is nice against his wrist. Hopefully Dan owns a lot of soft shirts. 

Dan tightens his grip, pulls their arms together and scoots Phil over to him. “You looked chilly,” he says simply. 

Phil was. He feels warm all over now, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barista 1: wow, how can you eat like that and not explode?  
> Barista 2: *dreamily* ...yeah  
> Barista 1: ?  
> Barista 1: fuck’s sake  
> Barista 1: they’re obviously in love, save yourself the heartbreak  
> Barista 2: *sad*  
> Barista 1: I mean, you should see me at thanksgiving  
> Barista 2: :O 
> 
> [reblog on tumblr](https://mylionbabe.tumblr.com/post/180623045920/old-new-chapter-3-ao3-link-word-count)
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! It’s my favorite so far, I think :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed :)
> 
>  
> 
> [rebog on tumblr](https://mylionbabe.tumblr.com/post/179017297730/old-new)


End file.
